When I was a kid I loved buying music magazines and read all the updates about artists. I loved to distract myself from the real world and everything that was going on here. I was not a happy kid at school and not a happy kid at home. My mum decided what I should wear because in her opinion I had to be a lady. My dad thought the same so I missed out on having a Gameboy but more of that later. (Don’t get me wrong apart from that they always gave me what I needed and I was never hungry or cold) The kids at school bullied me for the way I looked and I hated it but also hated the fact I couldn’t change what I was wearing as well. I wanted to dress different because I felt different. I always had a feeling I never fitted in.

I didn’t care about trends and I was the girl who came to school with Pokémon cards instead of make-up. I didn’t care about that at all. I had dolls but to be honest I hated them and played more with my cars until I figured out I could use them to display the stories in my head. I didn’t understand why all barbies must be blonde and ‘’perfect’’ so I bought one with brown hair who wasn’t all pampered up. I didn’t care about the way I looked, I focused more on things that made me happy.

I remember not daring to tell my friends about how much I loved Pokémon cards because I was afraid they would reject me and slap me. Yes that was what some of them used to do when I didn’t do what they wanted me to do. The same my mum did so I never had a place where I felt safe and where I could totally be myself. Sadly that was the way I changed into as well. I have to be honest about that. To protect myself I would slap them and didn’t take any threat anymore. I had enough. Phew I am glad that didn’t last long because it Is wrong. No matter how people threat you, don’t lower yourself to their actions. Always wish them the best in life and walk away.

But to my happiness she liked it and had some cards herself. For some reason all my friends who were girls were trying to decide things for me. I never liked hanging out with them so I was really happy when I had some guy friends. One of them had a Nintendo so I would spend time with him, gaming. Asking my parents to bring me to him. Finally found a way to play games! So actually my childhood was filled with playing games, reading, dreaming, be on a swing pretending to fly in the clouds, making stories in my head and writing them down or using my dolls as actors, watching Disney movies with my best friend (we still do that years later and we are still best friends) dress up as a princess, listen to music and draw. I made my own world.  

Going to my best friends house who lived a minute walking away was what saved my childhood, really. He and his family accepted me for the way I was and most of my time I was there. they still do! I didn’t need my dolls to display the stories in my head anymore, I had him and together we went on adventures. He always wanted to be a captain so we combined our stories and that honestly was the best thing ever.  When we didn’t do that we were watching every Disney movie together and he was always by my side at school. The bullying didn’t matter that much because he was my safe shield. I just focused on him and looked forward to spend time together outside of school where we finally could be ourselves. We even went to the same high school and I feel grateful for that and him still being in my life. He became my brother.

In my teens I found a music magazine called Hitkrant where Christina Curry wrote columns. I loved reading her columns more than ever because I could really read she was herself and she wasn’t afraid to be herself. I have boxes full of them at my parents’ house. I looked up to her and wanted to do the same so now I kind of am but instead of a magazine this is my own website and a blog. Later on I heard about Instagram and when I followed her it was like getting to know a friend. I wanted to get to know the real her. Her Instagram was full of her being different and being proud, showing it to the world. Arms full of tattoo’s, dressing different, watching anime and playing games. The dream. I loved that we loved the same things.

Later on I found out we played the same game called World of Warcraft. I remember looking at her Instagram and thinking: ‘’Hellyes! She is so cool and not afraid of showing who she really is so why should I?!’’ I felt like a living doll, like a puppet so I slowly changed into a rebel(sorry mum and dad) and dressed the way I wanted to, trying to find my style. Slowly I wasn’t afraid of being me. I colored my hair, got a tattoo, piercings and found real people who accepted me for the person I am. I surrounded myself with people who I felt save with. Mostly geeks like I am. (as well)  it is as if you can let out a long, satisfied sigh.

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I didn’t stop there. I followed my dreams so I got on stage and sang with a band behind me and worked in a second hand bookstore. And I still am, look at me having my own website and writing blogs to share them.

Honestly we need more people who tell you it is okay to be you, who tell you there is no such boy or girl thing and that is why I also choose to write about my story. As she was an inspiration for me, I hope I can be an inspiration for you. I want to share my knowledge, my journey and my stories all for yous. It is helpful for me to write about it but it can also be helpful and inspiring for you.

So yes she is famous but I don’t see her that way at all. I never looked her up on google or read things about her in a gossip magazine, I don’t care about that at all, I care about the person she is. And although she is famous she is still real and herself. That is something what is rare but golden. A few years ago I was on my way to go see the World of Warcraft movie (how ironic) but my train was stuck and all of a sudden I see her jump in the train, jump out the train and jump back in. I never expected to meet her but always wanted to. I wanted to tell her how important she is for me and what a big impact she is in my life and thank her for being her, a unique and real person that does what her heart tells her to. At first I was a bit scared.. ‘’what if she doesn’t want to talk?’’ ‘’ What if I stutter or don’t know what to say?’’ ‘’ I look like crap’’. But I pushed myself out of my comfort zone thinking you will regret it if you don’t let her know all of that and I am happy I did. I am happy she knows it and knows who I am. She is so kind, honestly. I asked for a picture, not to fangirl but to cherish the memory. See, I don’t see myself as her fan.

A year later she let us know she was making a documentary about her life. She wanted to tell her own story apart of being Patricia Paay’s daughter, she is her own person with her own story. A lot of people see her as the daughter of. So she asked if people wanted to work on the documentary with her and I was more than happy to! She said who knows some people can be my friends. I wanted to do something back and I felt like I was the right person to interview because of the way I saw her. She wanted to know if people would see her as she really was. If her Instagram wasn’t telling a lie. So I wrote a letter telling all this and saying: ‘’Even though I won’t be chosen, even though we won’t be friends, I wanna thank you for being real and for being you and showing that without giving a fuck!’’

Luckily she and the VICE team thought the same about me so I was chosen. I was so nervous to be on tv. Funny thing is, I send her a few photo’s representing me and one of them was Chinese food and she actually got that in the documentary. The way her mum was, was also accurate. It’s in dutch but you can take a look if you want to:

https://video.vice.com/nl/video/full-length-1-851/592c20249cd8704b09c0d74d

A few weeks later she invited the chosen people to come watch the documentary with her and interview her along with the journalists. I got myself a drink and was landing there, looking around taking it all in. she walked in with her girlfriend Shenta, saw me, smiled at me and gave me a hug. I was so surprised but happy. She thanked me for the letter and being part of the documentary. She really liked that I was. I met her girlfriend and we talked a bit. I wore a joker t-shirt were we bonded over haha. After the interview I asked her to take a better picture with me. Looking back to this memory I am still smiling. I love how even though we are not in eachothers life we are growing together. Now we both learn about astrology and tarot cards. I asked her today if I could write about her, our meeting and the documentary so here we are. I hoped you enjoyed reading it as much as I enjoyed writing it.